Friday, January 22, 2016

" I have lived for several weeks on only Rice Crispies and Snickers"

From the Bangor, Maine Police Department's Facebook page

Dear Mid-Atlantic of these United States of America.

I think we all knew it could happen. Every year when you pack up your well tanned family and head back home from our tiny piece of paradise, you look back and see us raking up our leaves and putting our snow shovels by the door. You always sigh, knowing that we will be dealing with winter in a far different way than you will.

With lobster traps on your roof and pine cones in your carry ons, you think of us with with warm memories of fantastic sunsets, thick accents and great clam chowder. You talk to the family about coming back next year and enjoying all that Maine has to offer.

Down deep, you feel sorry for us. You know that we will be moving snowbanks, raking our roof, smashing ice dams off the shingles and stoking the wood stove with the dollar bills that you left behind.

Listen, this storm is going to miss us. This is not typical and we want to share a little advice of how to make it through an epic "snow event" unscathed. We want you to come back next year. Here are a few tips.

1. Don't panic. It's just frozen rain. It does go away so don't try to move too much at one time.

2. Don't shovel too early and don't wait too long. Pace yourself. Go out every few hours and move a little at a time. It can hurt your back, arms and legs. You always wonder why we all walk funny. It is not because of the clam chowder.

3. Heart attacks in big snow storms are rather common. Help out your neighbor who is older, out of shape or that has known health problems. Helping them move some snow (better yet, let your offspring do it) is better than calling EMS while you are doing CPR. Seriously.

4. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT buy all the bread on the shelves. As a lifelong Mainer, I recommend cereal. No better reason has ever been invented to eat Golden Crisp, Honeycomb or Captain Crunch (don't get the peanut butter flavored. That stuff sucks). You will need milk and of course a bowl and spoon. You probably already have that in the house. I have lived for several weeks on only Rice Crispies and Snickers. 

5. Get some batteries and flashlights that work. Nothing is worse than going through the junk drawer and finding only 1 D battery when you need two. LED flashlights are awesome, cheap and last and last. You might need one to find the cereal.

6. Charge your Cellphone. If you have a generator, you need gas. You look stupid trying to start a generator with no gas in it. Don't ask me how I know. Do not run the generator inside a basement or garage. Yes, people do that. Usually only one time.

7. Toilets flush without electricity. If you fill your tub with water, you can use it for all kinds of things, including flushing the toilet. Also, to wash cereal bowls.

8. Fill your car up with gas. If you get stuck somewhere and have to run the car, make sure you clean out around the tail pipe and do not fall asleep with the car running. We need you to come back next summer to buy more lobster and lobster traps. Pine cones are free.

Most of all, take care of each other. Be nice and invite neighbors to hole up at one location. Hide expensive things, but help them. (that's the cop talking).

You will be fine. We drink lots of coffee and complain when we get hit like this storm. It works ok. It makes us grouchy but that's why you come here in the summer. To hear stories from grumpy Mainers who sell lobster traps. Now, you will have some of your own to share with us when you get back.

Be safe and well and if you have any Cap'n Crunch left after the storm. It keeps very well. Bring it up this summer.

The men and women of the Bangor Police Department are rooting for you. You got this.

We will be here!

(Blog Owner's Note:  The rest of the Bangor PD's Facebook page is pretty funny, too.  They run a regular feature called "Got Warrants?" and a recent parking ban notice to stated "Oh, ye dwellers of Bangor. Snow cometh from the west. Moveth thy ride from lanes and paths quickly.

For when the the moon is high and your wagon remaineth upon the lane, large warriors with strong horses will drag thy carriage away to a spot behind the village square.

The wagon will remaineth there until many pence are paid.

Heed all who readeth this." )


Lady Anne said...

I'm always mystified by the folks who buy 400 rolls of toilet paper every time it snows. WHAT is the connection between TP and snow? Bread I can understand, but toilet paper?

Bunnykins said...

Never been to Bangor Maine, but it sounds like a place full of people I'd like.
One piece of advice to add: make friends of the teenagers in your neighbourhood and keep some snow shovelling money on hand along with the rock salt. The kids who are too boisterous all summer may save your bacon come winter.

Sam said...

Bangor is a lovely town! I totally cracked up on #4 - get 1 loaf of bread to make Bread Pudding (we did) and stock up on bad movies (we did). Take care to gently yell at the 20ish moron who parked in front of your house while staying 2' from the curb which causes the plow to swing wide and leave 6' of snow at the end of the driveway instead of 2'. Get said moron to shovel said pile of 10" snow fall while watching bad movie #4 and eating the last of the bread pudding. And that, DC is how one rides out the storm.