Notes on a Wedding

--It is absolutely true that weddings and funerals bring out both the best and the worst in families.

--While we were getting dressed in the hotel, the spousal unit sliced his finger open on his safety razor (so-called). I remarked as I was bandaging him that since all four of his brothers were going to be at the wedding, I anticipated bloodshed, just not this soon.

--The wedding was held in the meadow behind the bride’s parents’ house. Fortunately their property backs up against several acres owned by a professional landscaper. Even more fortunately, he’s a good friend of the family. The setting was idyllic for an open-air ceremony, followed by eating, drinking and dancing under a marquee tent.

--I am not a fan of middle-class WASP weddings (why can't everyone be Ukrainian or Greek?) but this one was full of sweet, homey touches. The dinner was prepared by a neighbor and included the bride and groom’s favorite dishes; macaroni and cheese, pulled pork, and green-bean casserole. Instead of a fancy wedding cake there was cheesecake and chocolate chip cookies.

--There were only three bridesmaids and their dresses were, mirabile dictu, pretty and wearable.

--The bride’s dress was beautiful and wrong. She is pocket dynamite, a curvy little redhead…a very curvy little redhead, the only thing that saves her from pin-up status is a healthy crop of freckles and an irrepressible chuckle. The dress would have been stunning on a taller, darker, bride, but it made her look like an upside-down ice cream cone.

--The weather cooperated, for the most part. During the reception, the sky suddenly darkened and the heavens opened in a brief, violent cloudburst. Then just as suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun came out, and we stepped out of the tent to see an improbably wide and beautiful rainbow painting itself across the sky at the far end of the meadow.

--A lady of mature years whose relationship to the groom we never did decipher (great-aunt? grandma’s best friend? third-grade teacher?) danced every single dance, running partners one-third her age into the ground. Her performance of “Whip It” with one of the groomsmen was impressive.

--The bouquet tossing featured the usual baker’s dozen of reluctant young women bullied into lining up on the dance floor. The bride threw the bouquet in a perfect arc back over her shoulder (she was a phys-ed major) and it landed on the floor directly in front of the assembled spinsters with a loud thump. Not one of them made an attempt to pick it up, let alone catch it (Holy matrimony is evidently no longer a goal for Michigan maidens, and I am sure someone will figure out a way to blame this on activist judges, gay marriage, and the forces of godless communism).

--The wedding ended as it had begun, with bloodshed. Just before sunset, the bride’s twin brother drove a John Deere Gator up to the tent, jumped out, seized her and tossed her in the back, and roared off.

While wearing a gorilla costume.

She realized who it was when they were halfway across the field and screamed his name in tones of such outrage that were I he, I'd be contemplating a run for the border about the time she gets back from the honeymoon. He's a head taller but she's got the family temper.

The groom eventually got her back but not before she gashed her foot on the back of the John Deere. I hope her tetanus shot is current.