Tuesday, October 13, 2009
(In the car with my oldest sister. Explanatory note: she is on a doctor-monitored diet that instead of food, allows her to drink three glasses each day of something resembling the goop I used to scrape off my boots after a twenty-mile hike in the hills around Quantico).
She: So what’s the plan this morning?
Me : Find a coffee shop, get some coffee and …
She: I can’t have coffee.
Me. Fine. Find a coffee shop, I’ll get a coffee and you can have some tea…
She: I can’t have tea, either. No caffeine.
Me. Fine. Find a coffee shop, I’ll get a coffee and you can have a bottle of mineral water.
She: I hate having to watch people drink coffee.
Me. FINE. I’ll get a coffee and you can have a bottle of mineral water to drink at a different table.
(there is a short silence).
She (wistfully): I’ve started fantasizing about cheese.
(In the car with both sisters).
Youngest sister: We have to stop at the Grand Traverse Pie Company™ and get a pie for dessert tonight.
Oldest sister: They sell pies at the Grand Traverse Pie Company?
Me: No, they sell artificial limbs. What do you think they sell at a place called "The Grand Traverse Pie Company!?!"
Youngest Sister (hurriedly): What kind should we get?
Oldest sister: What kind do they have?
Youngest sister: Peach-blackberry, apple, strawberry-rhubarb…
Me: What does she care? She can’t have any anyway.
Youngest sister (under her breath): Someone’s about to get slapped.
(In the car with both sisters and assorted nieces/nephews)
Youngest sister’s youngest son: Is Aunt S**** going home?
Youngest sister: Yes, honey. She’s leaving right after we go see Grandpa.
Youngest sister’s youngest son: Is Aunt K**** going home?
Oldest sister: No, I get to stay at your house for two more nights. You can come downstairs in the morning and cuddle with me (with a significant glance in my direction).
Youngest sister’s youngest son: Is Mamma going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?
Oldest sister: No, Mamma is going to sleep upstairs in her own bed.
Youngest sister’s youngest son: Is Daddy going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?
Youngest sister: Not if he knows what’s good for him.